[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
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me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.