My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
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I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
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If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
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