My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
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My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
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The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”