My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
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Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Overindulged this afternoon.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
