My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
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HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
i hope my email finds you on fire
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
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Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*