My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
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A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me