Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.

Husband: What experts?

Me: Experts.

Husband: But who?

Me: Me. I’m the experts.

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

Good dog. ❤️

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

Ha

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before