My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
accidentally got decaf coffee beans or as my wife calls them, “grounds for divorce”
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Beware of fowl play.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Stop.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns