Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

How much for the goth pool noodles?

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings