It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
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*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Don’t snitch tag.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.