My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
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Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice