Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

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not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

“No way.” -Jose

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”