My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
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Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
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Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
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If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
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Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.