My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
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Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Him: didn’t the therapist say you should live “in the moment”?
Me: yeah but not THIS one
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off