Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

Me: I wanna travel somewhere

My bank account: To the other room? or?

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes