My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
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ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Thursday
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate