Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

Have a lovely day 😊

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.