Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin