My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
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they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I drew y’all a little something.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.