Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

Stop