Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.