Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.