My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
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I’d … I’d rather not.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Just parrot things
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.