Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

Bless you