Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

The 4 stages of a family vacation

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification