Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

saving face 👀

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

let’s discuss

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

oh u like me? name 5 meds i take

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims