Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

I put the mess in domestic.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

Air pods looking like an angry frog

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.