My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
![]()
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
![]()
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
![]()
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME