Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

I need a headline like this

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

What do you call a zombie who stir fries?

Dead man wokking

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window