Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…

Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)