my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
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*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
How long do you have to wait between naps?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
as is their right
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night