my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
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Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Feel. He’s so soft.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.