My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
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College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
How it started How it’s going
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.