My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
You Might Also Like
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
The real reason evolution started..😂
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I’m a self-made hundredaire
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Cannot stop laughing at this
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.