Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!