Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“

This poor dog

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars