My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
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Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Don’t tell me what to do
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.