My dog after a walk in the woods.
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5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”