My dog after a walk in the woods.
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Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*