Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket