My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
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My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.