My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
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Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Actually cracking up @ this
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26