My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
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I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy