My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
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Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Lmao
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.