Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

The smoothest fall of all time

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?