My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
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If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I used the label maker
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
