Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

you’re so productive for your wage

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

This line from Airplane.

“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.