My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
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nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Great Canadian literature.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
79.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.