My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
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My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
seriously you guys
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”