My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
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Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone