My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
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A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I am absolutely never leaving this website
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?