Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

We found love in a hopeless place.

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”