My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
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For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.