Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?