Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

Finally, an instrument I can play!

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

the official breakfast of 2021

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”