My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
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[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war