My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
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“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive