my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Unimpressed
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.