My dog ate my work from home.
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Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
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Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
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“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself