My dog ate my work from home.
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*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Somebody’s lying.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]