Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

Liquor Store Parking

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”