Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.