My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
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my proudest tweet
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.