My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
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ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.