Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

I ain’t wearing no wire

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.