My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
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Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up