My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
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Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
couldn’t resist
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.