Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal