Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?

Because they’re spoiled

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

i’m still crying at this

“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*