My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
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Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
and now we wait
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Born to be mild.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water