My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
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At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.