My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
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*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.