Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

My current situation

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55