Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

We need to put an American base on the sun

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.