My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
