My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
