My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I have many caverns
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
