My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Become ungovernable.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Somebody call the cops.
