Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions