My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
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Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
i feel so bad i refunded him
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
