My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
You Might Also Like
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
A drum solo but on your face.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin