My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
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I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.