My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
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when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids