My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
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Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Breaking news:
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job